Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!

Tonight I watched the news. That alone sounds newsworthy doesn’t it? Right. I normally do not watch the news, I read about it. I choose not to watch the news because frankly, it’s terrible. It’s all terrible. Even the stations that aren’t as terrible…are terrible. Remember the guy that interviewed me about my bathroom, I mean water consumption habits earlier this summer?? No? Well then I bet you’re confused. Do whatever you will with my question. For those of you whom do remember my earlier blog about that (I say that like I have followers. Ha.), the point I am trying to make is this: isn’t it interesting what the news folks find as newsworthy? I use the words interesting and horrid interchangeably.

Anyhow, after that long rant..I watched Channel 4, WCCO’s 10pm broadcast this evening. I did so while paying close attention to the kinds of stories featured and their running times throughout the broadcast. That went a little something like this:

Apparently there is nothing else of any kind of interest going on locally other than the top story of the evening, sports: Vikings Eke Out Narrow Win Against Packers! Excellent. Let me tell you, that has the gripping, edge of my seat kind of information one NEEDS to know. Maybe I’m just pissed the Packers lost. You’ll never know. However, this story was so important in the land of 10,000 lakes that it was actually the longest running story at about 4 minutes. Just when I didn’t think it could be topped, the next news-human interest story piggybacked off the Vikings win story, and kind of made me question my own morals.

I was so stunned I had to look it up online to make sure it was true. “Once Beaten Man Enjoys Day At Vikings Game” was the online headline. Now just imagine the intro to this story through the ridiculously stupid, “witty” banter that goes on between anchors. Seriously, take a minute and make a “mind movie” if you will. I’m embarrassed. This story was so awkward on so many levels, and actually felt..wrong. The Vikes had this man on the field as a very special guest for today’s game. He is a mentally disabled man whom was beaten and burned by five people all because somebody foolishly lied! Now, whether or not this man was mentally disabled before or after the incident I don’t know. I’m also not sure that matters. Regardless (you know what I hate, when people say irregardless. First of all..not a word..second of all…SERIOUSLY, think about it would ya?), why on earth is this newsworthy? I have nothing against this mentally disabled man..you have to be heartless not to feel terrible about what happened and his condition..but it seemed like people were like hey, that sucks..what happened to you and all…and you’re mentally disabled..sooooo here’s some Vikings tickets and a 2 minute news spot with your mother. AWKWARD!

Moving on.

Oh wow I loved this part. Next we moved on to a horrible (and horribly funny..for me) commercial about Viagra. I wanted to look at the commercials because I think their intended audience is interesting during certain times of television programming. I thought this placement was particularly telling of the evening news. After a quick spot about the almost killed, not all there guy…here’s a little pick me up. No pun intended. This was the longest commercial I swear I have ever seen. It was 90 seconds of an old but still attractive (think Robert Redford or pre-mortem Paul Newman (tear)) man whom has traded in his sedan for a motorcycle that plays “Viva Viagra” nonstop from the radio. There’s a dream. From that beauty of advertising we have 30 seconds of the Culligan man (not as attractive-at all), followed by 30 more riveting seconds of your neighbor’s history with asthma and her life altering, airway opening Advair inhaler, closed by a short (thank God) 15 second need-to-know about sofa sale at Slumberland plug.

And we’re back.

Next there was actually a pretty interesting health story, sadly it only ran for about 3 minutes (ah hem, the Vikes got more time than that), about the heart health of distance runners. In the most recent New York Marathon (you people are nuts (secretly envious and in awe)), four runners have had heart attacks and died. Wait, these people are supposed to be healthy right? Ahhh, thank you evening news for setting me straight. There is research being done at Abbott Northwestern (thanks for fixing my broken spine guys) as to whether or not distance running can be damaging to coronary arteries. Sadly this story was followed by a long 7-second, stupid discourse and irritating transition by fellow anchors.

After that there was a really great, (totally sarcastic), 30 second WCCO plug for one of their anchors. Some guy named Mike, and how he’s glad to be apart of the team..or some crap.

The next news-history story was also pretty good. See, they make you wait out their terrible personal stories so you can get back to the things you care about more than them. Jerks. The story was about Jay Cooke State Park and it’s crazy swinging bridge (no thank you). We hear about some students from Cloquet sitting and listening to DNR Naturalist Kris talk about bones and beauty in the North woods, and about the history of this totally terrifying suspended bridge that swings out over the St. Louis River. The kids ran all up and down it, and it squeaked. A lot. So did they. A lot. This was about 3 and a half minutes of “finding Minnesota,” if you will.

After this story we again are forced to listen to some more stupid discourse between anchors, and a plug for their website..specifically the blurb on it about happy hours around town. Since when is the news plugging happy hour??

By this time we are on to the anchors making stupid weather jokes (as if we aren’t all pissed off already by the weather). Yay! The weather! Damnit! 2 and a half minutes about how weather this week is going to suck, dress your kids “real warmly” advice (he actually said that..at least he got the adverb right), winter is here, and it’s only gonna get colder. Uuugggghhhh. I hate everything.

Aaaannnd back to sports. This is where I reach for the remote, as I can’t go through it again. However, in the 30 seconds it took me to find the damn thing under the blanket (stupid weather), I got to hear about the Vikes again, some dude named Johnson who came in 3rd in the Nascar whatevers (gross), and how the Titans beat the Bears (I don’t care).

I completely understand that Minnesota folk have their purple pride and all, but seriously..football, football, football? That was what the most of this evenings “news” was about. It begs the question, “is that really newsworthy?” Pathos and ethos my friend. All of the ads and stories this evening were based on the character of the noun in question, and engulfed in emotion. The local news and ads used a lot of real, neighbor-like folks interviewed and testifying to appeal to a certain audience. They were definitely focused on sports, human interest, and local MN history. WCCO interviewed an older, yet marathon runner, man to talk about the research on his heart, and thus we get to see a lot of him in spandex running around outside. Nice. We also get to see the mentally disabled man wearing his Vikes jersey and needing from his mother to walk around the Dome. The way this interview was edited really made you feel badly for this man, and feel like the Vikings had done something great. What they did was nice yes, but seriously..does anyone else feel weird about this?? Even though I know somehow it’s supposed to make me feel warm and fuzzy isn’t it?

For the exact reason above I would love to have a class do exactly what I did tonight: watch the evening news, think about the intended audience and also how the stories/interviews/ads were supposed or intended to make you feel, and compare that to how they really made you feel. The same, different….why?? I think that would be interesting..a deconstruction of evening news rhetoric if you will. I think a class blog, or wiki compilation, or an emovie with narration and pictures would be a great way to check this out! So anyway, back to football…the Vikes beat the Packers 28-27.